Locked Out

Author’s Note:  Trixie Belden® is the registered trademark of Random House. This story is not for profit. 

This story also features lyrics from "All I Want is You" by U2.

I been locked out and I know we're through
but I can't begin to face up to the truth
I wait so long for the walls to crack
but I know that I will one day have you back

Hallie and Trixie gasped in unison, Helen and Peter both frowned and Bobby looked confused.  He had never seen his brother cry.

"She must have given you some reason," Helen said gently.

"She..." Mart panted, trying to breathe through his sobs.  "She told me she didn't want a long distance relationship, and that we were fooling ourselves if we thought it could work."

Helen touched his shoulder gently.

"You had no idea she felt this way?"

"No!" Mart wailed and looked down at the floor.  "We'd made so many plans, we only had to make it work for a year."

"So is this just a break for the year?" Trixie asked quietly.

"It's for good," Mart cried.  "She told me that it was more than a break, it was over.  Forever!"

Hallie and Trixie exchanged looks of dismay and Hallie wondered what could have possibly happened between this morning and now to make Di behave like this.

Bobby looked confused. 

"It's okay Mart," he told him helpfully.  "You'll find another girlfriend."

Mart stared at him.

"Son, why don't you go upstairs and lie down," Peter suggested quickly.  "I'll bring you up a hot drink."

Mart nodded dumbly and turned to head up the stairs.

"Will you go and see her?" He asked Hallie.  "Make sure she's alright and try and find out what happened for me?"

Hallie nodded and Mart walked slowly up the stairs.

Helen looked at Hallie.

"When does Di's family get back?" Helen asked.

"Not until tomorrow," Hallie replied.

"Why don't you spend the night with her?" Helen suggested.  "Do you feel up to it?"

"I'm okay," Hallie assured her.  "You don't mind Trix?"

"No, go ahead," Trixie answered in surprise.  "I'm going to stay with Mart."

Hallie went upstairs to grab an overnight bag.

"Bobby, why don't you let Reddy out?" Peter suggested quietly and Bobby quickly obeyed.

"I've never seen him like this before," Helen fretted.  "He leaves for college in a few days.  What sort of state will he be in?"

"Maybe they can sort this out before then," Peter replied and looked over to Trixie.

"I don't know Dad," Trixie said slowly.  "Di doesn't say things she doesn't mean.  She wouldn't do this on a whim."

"But what went wrong?" Helen asked her.  "They seemed to have it all planned out, they were going to make it work."

"Maybe it was too much pressure for her," Trixie murmured.  "She hasn't been feeling too well lately."

"Well, maybe that made her react badly to the situation," Helen suggested.  "Let's hope Hallie can find out the whole story."

"So how is it?" Honey asked, watching Brian take his first mouthful of the meal she had cooked for him.

"Mmmm... mmmm..." he moaned through a mouth full of food.  "It's great."

Honey smiled in pleasure.

"I like cooking for you," she told him and he grinned back at her.

"You're almost as good as Moms," Brian mumbled through another mouthful.

"I'll take that as a compliment," Honey laughed and watched him closely as he ate.

"I took your advice today and talked to Di," Honey began.

"Oh?" Brian looked up.  "Did it make you feel better?"

"It did actually," Honey replied.  "And she told me something interesting."

"What's that?"

"She told me you gave Mart a hard time when you found out they were sleeping together," Honey said quietly.

Brian put down his fork.

"That was different," he told her.  "They were both sixteen, Di just barely.  Not only were they too young, they were breaking state law."

"You thought they were too young," Honey pointed out calmly.  "They obviously didn't.  Why was what we did last night more right than their first time?"

Brian frowned and looked at her.

"What are you getting at?"

"Maybe it bothered you so much because your younger brother was making love to a woman before you were," Honey murmured and looked closely at Brian.

He opened his mouth to argue and then sighed.

"I guess you're right," Brian admitted reluctantly.  "I was kind of jealous.  I was away at college, miles away from you and he was spending every spare minute with her."

"They have a very different relationship to ours," Honey remarked.  "You shouldn't compare our relationship to theirs, it's not very fair to Mart."

Brian nodded and pushed his food around his plate thoughtfully.

"Do you think Jim might feel the same way?" Brian asked, his eyes widening.

"I'm pretty sure that's why he acted the way he did," Honey agreed.  "I know he can be protective, but he knows he doesn't have to protect me from you.  I think he's feeling left out and alone."

"It doesn't have to be that way," Brian sighed.  "If only he and Trixie would talk to each other."

"He needs to come to that realisation himself," Honey told him.  "We've done all the pushing we can, but it might help if you talk to him."

Brian smiled at her in amazement.

"Do you know how incredible you are?" He asked, kissing her softly.  "He said some cruel, hurtful things to you this morning, but you're more concerned about how he's feeling and why."

"I know he didn't mean it," Honey smiled.  "He's my brother and I love him.  I want him to be happy."

"I'll talk to him," Brian promised.  "Just let me finish this wonderful dinner first."

Honey smiled happily.  Things had a way of working out for the best.

and the clouds they are crying on you
and the birds are offering up their tunes
in a shack as remote as a mansion
you escape into a place where nothing moves

Hallie rang the doorbell for the third time and sighed impatiently.  She knew Di was in there and now she was beginning to get worried.

She turned away from the door and walked around the outside of the house until she located Di's bedroom window.  She looked around for some pebbles and began to throw them at her window.

Eventually, the window opened slightly.

"Di, it's Hallie," she called.  "Let me in."

There was a pause.

"Okay, go around to the side doors."

The window closed and Hallie went around to the side doors where Dan and Mart had hidden the night before.  She waited and Di finally appeared.  Her face was pale and blotchy, her eyes red and swollen and her hair pulled back into a messy pony tail.

"Oh Di," Hallie murmured and moved to hug her.  Di froze.

"It's okay Di," Hallie whispered.  "It's me, you can let it out."

After a brief moment, Di relaxed and she almost collapsed in Hallie's arms.

"Come on," Hallie told her.  "Let's sit down."

Hallie guided her to the couch and held her as she sobbed on her shoulder.  Di cried and cried, her body wracked with sobs and Hallie began to wonder if it would ever end.

"I'm sorry," Di gasped finally.

"It's okay," Hallie soothed her.  "I know it must hurt."

"Oh God Hallie!" Di wailed.  "You should have seen the look in his eyes.  I can't get it out of my mind."

"Did you have a fight?"

"No, not really," Di sniffed. 

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Hallie invited.

Di looked at her with frightened eyes. She finally nodded and took a deep breath.

"I went to the doctor today," Di began uneasily.  "I told him how sick I had been feeling lately and he did a check-up and couldn't find anything physically wrong with me.  He started asking questions about my life and we got to talking about Mart going away to college and how I felt about it."

Di paused and Hallie smiled encouragingly at her.

"I told him we had everything planned out, how I would visit him, when we would call and so on.  He asked me if I'd thought about how I would feel after Mart left and I began to hyperventilate.  Pretty soon I was throwing up into a bowl right there in front of him."

"That must have been terrible," Hallie sympathised.

"It was," Di admitted with a gulp.  "But he told me that I was under a lot of stress and that it was probably causing the nausea.  Just the thought of Mart leaving me was making me ill."

"So he suggested you break up with him?" Hallie asked, incredulous.

"No," Di answered slowly and looked down at her hands  "He told me to see a counsellor and practice some stress relief exercises."

"Something tells me that you didn't take his advice," Hallie moaned.

"The more I thought about it, the more I knew he was right," Di cried.  "Mart had planned everything out, almost every moment of my life for the next year.  It's supposed to be my senior year, I want to have fun!  I don't want to spend the year pining over my boyfriend and making myself sick about it."

"But look at Honey and Brian," Hallie pointed out.  "They've managed to make it work for more than two years now."

"That's exactly what Mart said," Di wailed.  "But it's not the same.  We're so different to them.  Our relationship has always been about living for the moment and having fun.  Honey and Brian are so serious and are taking things really slow.  I don't want that."

"So what did you tell Mart?" Hallie asked.

"That we had to break-up," Di sobbed.  "And that I couldn't do the long distance relationship thing."

"Did you tell him it was making you ill?"

"I couldn't," Di moaned.  "I feel as if I'm the brink of a nervous breakdown.  How I tell him the thought of him leaving makes me so ill?  He's been so protective of me lately.  I know him, he'd refuse to leave."

"But is breaking up with him going to make you stop feeling sick?" Hallie asked.  "If anything, I thought it would make you worse."

Di looked frightened by the suggestion.

"No," she said firmly.  "It has to be this way.  I have to let him go, I have to get over this dependency on him."

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Hallie asked gently.  "I've seen how happy Mart makes you, are you willing to give that up?"

Tears began to run down Di's cheeks.

"I love him, I really do," she confessed.  "But I can't bear living in misery for the next twelve months.  It's not who I am."

Hallie nodded.  She had rarely seen Di down and was wondering how she would cope when Mart left, but she hadn't expected this.

"How is he?" Di asked hesitantly.

"He's devastated," Hallie told her straight.  "He doesn't understand why you're doing this.

"I don't think he ever will," Di murmured.  "He's not the one being left behind."

"It won't be easy for him either," Hallie reminded her.  "He's going to be homesick and now he'll be heart broken too."

Di closed her eyes and began to cry softly.

"I'm sorry," Hallie apologised and hugged her gently.

"It's okay," Di sniffed.  "Thanks for being here for me.  I guess I'm not great company."

"You've listened to my problems plenty of times," Hallie reminded her with a smile.  "You look exhausted.  Why don't you go up to bed?"

Di nodded.

"I feel completely wiped out," she admitted.  "Are you going to stay?"

"I'll be here," Hallie assured her.  "I might stay down here for a while though."

"Thanks Hallie," Di thanked her sincerely.  "I'm so glad I had you to talk to.  I couldn't tell anyone else what I've told you.  You won't tell anyone, will you?"

Hallie shook her head and watched Di climb the stairs. She couldn't believe that the previous night she had watched her friend climb the stairs, hand-in-hand with Mart, giggling all the way.

Many people took Di just on face value, Hallie realised.  But she was much more than that and only a few people had scratched the surface of what was underneath.  Her decision had taken a lot of courage and Hallie knew that most would never understand why Di had broken up with Mart, she wasn't sure she fully understood it herself.

Trixie knocked gently on Mart's door.

"Mart?  Can I come in?"

There was no reply.  She hesitated but slowly turned the knob and opened the door.  Mart lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Mart..." Trixie began.

He didn't answer.

"I thought it might help if you had someone to talk to," Trixie mumbled.  She was way out of her depth here, she had no idea what to say to him.

"Not now," Mart muttered.

"I just..." Trixie offered helplessly.

"Just leave me alone, please," Mart pleaded and rolled over so his back faced her.

Trixie stood silently, burning with the desire to help him but unable to do anything that might.

Mart pointed the remote at his stereo and the familiar chords began.  Trixie bit her lip as she recognised the song and Mart turned up the volume.

You say you want a diamond on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold
But all the promises we made from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

Trixie backed out of the room and slowly closed the door.  She went back into her own room and closed the door, her own heart heavy.

"What could have happened?" She murmured to herself.  "They had everything."

As an outsider, she enjoyed Mart and Di's relationship.  They had a lot of fun together and their relationship was light hearted and happy.  It's not that they weren't as serious about each other as Honey and Brian, it's just that they behaved like two teenagers in love.  And that's what they were.

"Were..." Trixie mumbled sadly.  She couldn't imagine either of them with someone else.  "It would be like imagining Jim with someone..."

She stopped herself.  The thought made her ill.  As far as she knew, he wasn't dating anyone at college and he never mentioned other girls.  She had tried to find out from Honey, but lost her nerve.  She recalled the conversation she had with Brian when she finally got up the courage to ask him:

"Brian..." she had asked slowly and avoided his gaze when he looked at her.  "Does Jim hang around with many girls at college?"

"Why do you want to know?" He had replied, hiding a smile.

"I - I just..." Trixie stammered, her face beetroot red.  "It doesn't matter."

"Hey Trix," Brian had said gently as she turned away.  "I don't keep tabs on him, maybe you should ask him if you really want to know.  But for what it's worth, he hasn't dated anyone that I know of."

Trixie sighed as she looked out of her window and up to Manor House.

"Could it be because of me?" Trixie dared to hope.

I been locked out
I been locked in
but I always seem to come back again
when you're in that room
what do you do
I know that I will have you in the end

Jim stared out his bedroom window down at Crabapple Farm.  He could see the light on in her window and wondered what she did in there, what she thought about and if she ever thought about him.

He felt miserable and guilty.  He knew Honey and Brian were downstairs and he couldn't bear to face either of them.  What had made him behave that way this morning?  He knew they were in love and he knew how well Brian treated his sister, and it's not that he really disapproved.

"It's just that..." Jim muttered in frustration and stared hard out of the window.

He felt so left behind.  Most of the guys at college bragged about their sexual experiences, and now his best friend and his sister were sleeping together.  

There was only one girl he ever thought about, but she was too young.  She wasn't as mature and sensible as Honey, but that's why he loved her.  She was Trixie.

"Will there ever be a right time for us?" He murmured and pressed his hand against the window.  "If only I could tell you..."

Jim's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Jim, it's Brian.  Can I come him?"

Jim turned nervously towards the door.

"Uh... yeah, sure," Jim replied.

Brian opened the door and they faced each other nervously.

"I just wanted to apologise for this morning," Brian began hesitantly.

"You don't have to," Jim interrupted him, red-faced.

"I do," Brian replied firmly and Jim looked at him in surprise.  "I guess we caught you by surprise this morning and I don't really blame you for acting the way you did.  I should have told you I was spending the night here."

Jim looked down at the floor.

"It's not really any of my business," he muttered.  "I'm sorry I over reacted.  I owe you both an apology."

"Honey deserves one," Brian told him.  "It hurt her that you thought badly of her.  But I can understand why you acted the way you did, I read Mart the riot act when he told me about him and Di."

"You did?" Jim asked in surprise.  

"I told him they were too young and that they were rushing into things," Brian admitted.  "But when it came down to it, they weren't the real reasons I got angry.  I was angry because I was envious."

Jim turned pale and he refused to meet Brian's eyes.

"It's not that I wanted to rush into anything with Honey," Brian assured him quickly.  "I just felt so inexperienced compared to my younger brother, and also because he got to spend so much time with his girlfriend while I was so far from mine."

Jim nodded.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.  "And I'll apologise to Honey and tell her I didn't mean what I said."

"Jim..." Brian began and hesitated.  "I would have reacted the same way if it were you and Trixie."

"Me and Trixie?" Jim spluttered.  "How could - ?  Why would you - ?  I wouldn't..."

"No," Brian replied.  "But maybe you should."

Jim's jaw hung open, speechless.

Brian shrugged and gave him a small smile before turning and leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

Hallie sat quietly, lost in thought.

She could hear the music from Di's room spilling down the stairs.  She played the song over and over, grasping Hallie's heart with it and dragging her down, making her feel the grief.

You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you''ll give me eyes on a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

She felt Di's pain.  She was shutting Mart out, saying goodbye, admitting it could not work in the same way Hallie had told her father that she would not come home, that she was no longer his daughter.

And she struggled with Mart's grief.  The overwhelming sense of loss, the inability to change what had happened, to get back the person you loved with your heart and your soul.

The empath in her felt the pain of them both and it added to her own, drowning her, soaking her with grief until she could barely breathe.  Was there no way out?  No way of escaping this pain that seemed to follow her and permeate the air around her, effecting everyone she touched?

She was startled out of her thoughts by a tapping on the window.  She looked up to see Dan.  She was not surprised.

"Somehow I knew you'd come," she told him as she let him in.

"I've just been to Crabapple Farm," he replied and returned her smile.

They sat on the couch together, their bodies facing, their eyes searching each other's face, not speaking.

Dan glanced up the stairs, hearing the music.

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want a diamond on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

"Mart keeps playing the same song over and over," Dan sighed.  "It was their song."

Hallie nodded, grateful for the explanation.

"What's going on?" Dan asked finally.

"You know as much as I do," Hallie shrugged.  "Di doesn't think the long distance thing can work.  She doesn't want to spend the year pining after him."

Dan nodded slowly, searching her face and Hallie slowly averted her eyes.  He could see into her, she knew.

"But it's permanent?"

"Seems so," Hallie sighed.  "She doesn't want him holding on.  She thinks it's more realistic this way."

Damn it!  Hallie thought to herself.  I'm sitting here lying to him and I can't stop myself.  I hate doing this.

"Did you talk to Mart?" Hallie asked quickly.

"I tried to," Dan replied with a frown.  "Your Aunt thought it might be a good idea, but he didn't say very much."

"He's going to need you now," Hallie told him.

"What he needs is Di," Dan returned angrily and Hallie recoiled quickly from him.

Dan blinked.

"Oh God!  I'm sorry Hallie," he apologised quickly, reaching out to touch her shoulder.  "I just hate seeing him in so much pain and I can't understand why this has happened."

Hallie nodded dumbly, the touch of his hand burning into her shoulder.  He let his hand fall, the tips of his fingers trailing over her arm until they rested on her hand.

"How are you?" His brown eyes focussed on her intently.

"Aunt Helen told you?"

Dan nodded.

"It's better if I stayed here," Hallie replied.  "He's never home and he doesn't really care about me anyway.  I'll be doing him a favour."

"What about your brothers?"

"Knut's away at college," Hallie told him and her eyes saddened.  "But Cap...  I don't know.  He'd understand, I guess."

Dan smiled sympathetically, but his mind was racing.  Could she really stay here?  Could something that good finally happen to him?  Everyday he reminded himself that she would be leaving soon, but everyday he was drawn closer to her.

"I don't even know if Uncle Peter and Aunt Helen would let me stay," Hallie sighed.  "I haven't even discussed it with them, but I can't bear the thought of going back there."

"I can't bear the thought of you leaving," Dan whispered and Hallie's eyes widened in surprise.  Dan couldn't believe he'd actually said that.  "I mean, we've become such good friends, I'll really miss our talks and rides together."

Hallie smiled sadly and nodded.

"But you'll start college soon," she told him, her heart beating rapidly.  

"I'll be home every weekend," he promised her and their eyes met for a brief, intense moment before they both averted them nervously.

"I guess I should be going," Dan mumbled, reluctantly removing his hand from hers and standing up.  "You must be exhausted."

"Someone kept me up all night," Hallie replied with a wry smile.

"Anytime," he smiled as he headed for the door.  "Sweet dreams."

"Goodnight Dan," Hallie murmured and watched him disappear.

She looked up at the staircase.  Bono was still wailing.

You...
All I want is you.

The End