Wild Horses

Author’s Note:  Trixie Belden® is the registered trademark of Random House. This story is not for profit. 

This story takes place after #24 The Mystery at Saratoga and before and during #25 The Sasquatch Mystery.

Thanks so much to Sue from Montreal for her feedback, and special thanks to Leigh and Meagan for their encouragement, questions and suggestions.  You made this story work for me and I hope it works for everyone else.

"Regan?"  Miss Trask called, walking into the Wheeler's stables.

"Yes, Ma'am," Regan replied quickly, stepping out of the tack room.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you Regan," Miss Trask smiled apologetically, "but I just wanted to discuss the remainder of the summer vacation with you."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Mr and Mrs Wheeler are off to Seattle and they've decided to take the Bob-Whites with them so they can visit the Idaho Beldens and go camping," she began.  "I'm going with them to join in the fun, so I thought we might close up the estate for a week and give everyone a holiday."

"Well, I think that's a fine idea Ma'am," Regan began slowly.  "I'll be happy to keep an eye on things here while everyone's away."

Miss Trask smiled patiently.  "That's kind of you to offer Regan, but Mr Wheeler suggested the horses be left with Jed Tomlin for the week so all the staff can take a well deserved break."

A frown crossed Regan's face and he didn't speak for a moment. 

"Ma'am..." Regan began slowly.  "I've just had some unexpected leave, I don't think it's right that I..."

"Nonsense Regan," Miss Trask interrupted.  "When was the last time you took some holidays?  I thought you might like to get away for a while.  I hear the Saratoga springs are nice this time of year..."

Regan coloured quickly and looked away.  Miss Trask hid a smile.

"If it's all the same with you Miss Trask," Regan mumbled.  "I'd just soon as stay here and look after the horses."

"Of course, it's your decision Regan," Miss Trask nodded.  "I'll let Mr Wheeler know.  You know you're welcome to have visitors while we're away Regan.  I'm sure it will get lonely with no one else around."

Miss Trask pretended not to see Regan's face turn a deeper shade of red as she gave him a quick farewell nod and headed out of the stables.

"Well, I tried," she muttered under her breath.  "If Mrs Wheeler is right about Regan and Joan Stinson then this should give them the opportunity they need."

"Hi Tom," Regan called in welcome, as Tom parked the sedan in the garage.  "They all get off alright?"

"Without a hitch," Tom told him cheerfully.  "And I dropped Dan off at his summer camp job and hightailed it home.  Celia and I want to get off within the hour."

"Was Dan okay?" Regan asked.  "I think missing this trip bothered him a lot more than he was letting on."

"You mean because he won't get to see that dark-haired Belden beauty that visited here last summer?" Tom laughed.  "I figured as much.  He was pretty quiet after I dropped the others off, but he seemed okay."

"Thanks Tom," Regan replied gratefully.  "You know I would have done it myself, but I ..."

"Hate cars!" Tom finished for him with a smile.  "It's no problem Regan, you know that.  But I'd better dash, Celia will be wondering what's keeping me."

"Have a good time Tom," Regan told him.

"We will," Tom assured him and set off up the hill.  After a few paces, he stopped and called back to Regan.  "Are you sure you won't get lonely here?"

"Me?" Regan guffawed.  "Why is everyone so worried about me being lonely all of a sudden?  Get on with you, I'll enjoy the peace and quiet with none of those kids driving me crazy."

Tom laughed and waved goodbye.  Regan wandered back into the stables, whistling happy to himself.

Less than thirty minutes later, he saw Tom and Celia drive off down the curved driveway and he hurried up to his apartment over the garage to shower and change.  His mind was filled with only one thought, and he'd been thinking the same thought for over a week:

She would be here soon.

Showered and dressed in clean jeans and a new shirt, Regan surveyed his apartment with a critical eye.  Its decorations were sparse, but the room was comfortable and reflected his personality. 

He checked the spare room again to make sure it was perfect.  He had placed a vase of flowers on the nightstand, freshly picked from the Wheeler's garden and the bed was neatly made with fresh linen.

His ears strained to hear the sound of a car coming up the driveway and he rushed over to the window.  It was a taxi cab!

Nervously, he rubbed his sweating palms on his jeans and raced downstairs to meet the car.  It stopped just outside the garage and he stepped up to it and opened the door for its passenger.

"You're here!" He cried, unable to contain his excitement.

"I'm here," she replied softly, a smile spreading over her face.

"Let me pay the driver and get your bag," Regan volunteered quickly.

"No need," she assured him.  "I've already taken care of that, and here's the driver with my bag now."

She smiled gratefully at the driver and Regan quickly took the bag from him.  He looked back at her, and then lowered his eyes.

"Well, let's take this inside and get you settled then," Regan said gruffly and started towards the apartment above the garage.

"This is lovely," she said looking over at the Manor House and the gardens that surrounded it.  "Now I understood why you declined my father's offer."

Regan stopped.  "Joan, I..."  He shook his head.  "I'm glad you could come."

"I'm glad you asked," she replied, and gently put her hand on his.

Regan almost jumped at her touch.  He didn't want to move in case she took her hand away.  Joan smiled and squeezed his hand gently.

"Let's go upstairs so I can freshen up a bit.  We've got plenty of time to talk."

Regan nodded silently and led Joan up to his apartment.  He opened the door nervously and followed Joan in.

"It's not much," he began apologetically.

"But it's you," Joan finished for him.  "Regan, it's your home.  It's fine by me."

"And this is your room," he told her as he entered the spare room and put her bag down next to the bureau.

"It's lovely Regan, thank you."

"Well, I'll leave you to freshen up," Regan said awkwardly.  "Would you like a cold drink?"

"Yes, please," Joan smiled.  "Whatever you're having will be fine."

Regan nodded and closed the door behind him.  He mentally kicked himself over and over as he walked into the small kitchen.

Could you be any more awkward?  He asked himself.  If you can't think of anything to say to her, she'll just leave and you'll never see her again.

I've spent too many years alone...

"That's why you don't want to mess this up," he muttered to himself.

"Did you say something Regan?" Joan asked as she walked into the room.

Regan looked up and was surprised to see Joan dressed in jeans and a blouse.

"What?"  She cried when she saw his expression.  "I was almost positive you'd want to take me for a ride before dinner and show off your horses and this wonderful estate."

"I forgot that you could read my mind," Regan smiled and handed Joan a glass of lemonade.

"What else have you forgotten about me?" Joan asked as they sat down on the couch.

Regan stared down at his glass.  "You know, I never forgot about you Joan, not for a moment."

"Regan, it wasn't an accusation," Joan said lightly.  "Let's not place blame or relive the past.  What's happened has happened, we can't change it.  Let's just concentrate on now and the future."

"I'm sorry," Regan grinned.  "I've gotten off to a bad start.  What say we go for that ride, I'll unwind a little and we can start over?"

"I was hoping you'd say that," Joan accepted with a smile.

As they rode through the Wheeler estate and the game preserve, Regan though about Joan's comment.  What had she been hoping for?  The ride?  What he'd said?  Or maybe the bit about starting over?

Could we really make it work this time?  Sure, we're adults now, we made our own decisions and I'm not running from anything anymore.  But we both also have commitments and responsibilities...

"What are you thinking about?" Joan finally broke the silence.

"Sorry Joan," Regan laughed.  "I'm so used to riding these woods by myself that I sort of got lost in my thoughts."

"You must get lonely."

"Lonely?  I never really think about it," Regan replied.  I just never use that word...  "Do you get lonely?"

"I was lonely after you left," Joan admitted truthfully.  "Mom was gone, you disappeared and I was left with a very angry father who almost lost everything."

Regan swallowed hard.  Without meaning to, they were back to that again.

"Oh, Regan!"  Joan cried and covered her mouth with her hand.  "I'm so sorry.  I was the one who said we shouldn't talk about this, and then I..."

"It's okay Joan, just forget it," Regan said quietly.  "I don't know if we're going to be able to avoid the past.  Maybe it's wrong to try."

"I like being with you Regan," Joan murmured.  "I did then and I do now."

"Then that's enough for me," Regan smiled.  "I don't know the answers Joan, we're just going to have to take this as it comes."

"I'm not going anywhere," Joan replied shyly.  "We've got plenty of time."

Regan looked over at her, hope instilled in his heart.  "Let's head back for dinner.  I want to hear what you've been up to for the last seven years."

"Dinner was wonderful Regan," Joan told him as they moved to the couch with their glasses of wine.

"It was passable," he muttered, with an embarrassed grin.  "So tell me about the course you've been doing?"

"Well, I dropped out of high school after...  well, you know," Joan murmured.  "There was just too much going on and Dad needed me.  When we both got back on our feet, I finished my high school diploma by correspondence and then eventually started a part-time course in Business Management.  I thought I could help Dad out, you know?  I've just finished it."

"Wow!  That's great," Regan replied, his admiration evident in his tone.  "What will you do now?"

"I'm not sure," Joan hesitated.  "Dad's going to need a lot of help with the business side of his new farm, but..."

"You're not sure you want to stay on?" Regan prompted her.

"I'm 23 years old and I feel like I'm 50," Joan sighed.  "I haven't had a life, I haven't traveled.  I haven't even had a boyfriend."

Regan blinked in surprise, and Joan placed her hand on his.  "I'm not trying to discount what we shared, but it was hardly a relationship...  I had strong feelings for you, but I was only 16."

"And we didn't share much more than a few stolen kisses," Regan finished for her.  "It's okay Joan.  I know how you feel."

Their eyes met for a moment, understanding each other.

"So what about you Regan?" Joan asked softly.  "What are your plans?"

"I'm happy here," Regan admitted.  "I started off as a junior groom for Matt Wheeler in New York and then I was lucky enough to get the head groom's position when he bought this place a few years ago.  I get to work with fantastic horses, great kids and for an employer who recognises my potential.  We're slowly starting a training program and we're looking at developing that into something bigger in the future.  For me, it couldn't get better than this."

Joan nodded slowly.  "It really did work out well for you, didn't it?"

"I've been lucky," Regan nodded.

They were silent for a moment and Joan stared down at her empty glass.  Finally, she looked straight at him and asked the question:

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if this whole business with Gadfly hadn't happened and you hadn't run away?"

"Yes I do," Regan admitted.  "Especially now.  Do you?"

"Of course," Joan smiled sadly.  "It was hard hanging on to the dream.  I didn't know where you were or if you'd ever come back, and though I never believed you did it, the more time passed the harder it was to believe you didn't do it."

"Joan..." Regan began helplessly and took her hands in his.  "If I could have let you know I was okay, if I could have told you where I was, I would have.  But I was 17 and I was so scared.  No one believed in me."

Joan sighed sadly and squeezed Regan's hands.  "I believed in you.  But I don't think you believed in me."

Regan blinked in surprise and Joan leaned forward and kissed him softly on the cheek.  "I think I might turn in for the night.  Goodnight Regan."

Regan was stunned.  Suddenly, her hands were no longer in his and her lips no longer on his face and she was across the room.

"Goodnight Joan," he finally managed to murmur.

Joan turned on the light and was about to slip into her room, but she slowly turned back to him.

"You know Regan, if you'd told me you were going, if you'd asked me to go with you, I would have said yes."

Regan had gone for a moonlight stroll the previous night after Joan had retired to bed to try and clear his head and put his thoughts in order.  He'd had a restless night, but still woke at dawn to ride Jupiter.  He walked out of his room and was surprised to smell coffee and find Joan in the kitchen.

"I usually exercise the horses in the morning with Dad," she offered in explanation.  "Coffee?"

Regan nodded.  "Why don't we take it down to the stables?  You can ride Starlight this morning if you like."

Joan smiled.  She handed him a cup of coffee, black and strong, and followed him down to the stables.  They hardly spoke as they brushed and saddled the horses.  Jupiter was jumpy and rearing to go, but Regan handled him firmly and Joan watched on in admiration.

"I like watching you work," she offered, as they rode out across the field, still fresh with dew.  "I remember watching you work the day you started with my father."

"You did?"  Regan spoke finally.

"It was really hot that day," Joan smiled.  "Dad must have had you cleaning out the stables and you were soaked with perspiration.  You finished, pulled your shirt off and then started hosing out the stalls, but not until you'd hosed yourself down first.  I made an effort to visit the stables the same time everyday after that."

"You did?" Regan laughed.  "That was probably about the same time I noticed you, coming home everyday in your school uniform.  But I knew better than to fall for the boss's daughter."

"Oh, you did, did you?" Joan raised an eyebrow.  "So what happened?"

"I didn't count on the boss's daughter trying to seduce me," Regan retorted.

"Me!  Seduce you?" Joan cried, and she looked over at Regan and saw the grin on his face and began to laugh.  He soon joined in.

"I'd forgotten what a sense of humor you had," Joan smiled and the tension between them dissipated. 

Neither of them could talk about what was said last night.  Not yet, anyway.

"This is idyllic," Joan sighed as they stretched out in the sun, after their swim in the lake.  "I could get used to this."

"So could I," Regan told her.  "I don't get to do this very often."

"Well, you should," Joan replied, rolling on her side to look at him.  "You need to make time for yourself."

"I usually have plenty of time for myself," Regan remarked.  "It's not as much fun doing this alone."

"I guess you're right," Joan smiled and their eyes met.

For Regan, this was the most comfortable place to look.  He had tried to keep his eyes from lingering on Joan's bathing suit, but he found himself growing warm as they continued to look into each other's eyes.

His hand unconsciously raised itself to brush the hair from her face and she smiled at his touch.  His body followed suit, moving until he was only inches from her and he could feel the energy between them.

Regan had shared his first kiss with Joan, but this kiss wasn't any easier.  He hesitated a moment, before pushing the doubts out of his mind and leaning in to kiss Joan.  He held her chin gently in his hand and kissed her softly, his heart thumping wildly.

He heard her moan softly and it lit a fire within him.  She chewed softly on his lip and opened her mouth to him, deepening their kiss.

"Oh Regan!" Joan gasped.

"Joan..." Regan murmured,  kissing her face, her mouth, pulling her into his arms.

She ran her hands over his smooth, toned chest as they continued kissing.  She was almost panting with desire, breathless from his kisses and the way their bodies responded to each other.

So caught up in each other, they almost didn't here the voice of someone approaching until the small boy was almost upon them.

"Bobby!  Come back here!  You know you're not allowed near the water by yourself."

Joan and Regan broke apart quickly, and rose to a sitting position just as Bobby Belden ran over the hill and almost on top of them.

"Regan!"  Bobby cried in delight.  "I didn't know you'd be here.  Who's the lady?"

"Bobby!" Helen Belden cried in exasperation as she came down the hill.  She stopped short when she saw Regan with Joan.  "Oh, Regan.  Hello."

"Mrs Belden," Regan acknowledged, reddening.  "Uh...  this is a friend of mine, Joan Stinson.  Joan, this is Helen Belden and her son Bobby."

"Hello," Joan said shyly, trying to catch her breath.

"Hello Joan," Helen replied warmly.  "It's lovely to meet you.  I'm sorry we intruded on you, but Bobby has been asking all day for me to take him swimming."

"They were tired," Bobby told Helen.  "They were lying down, just like you and Daddy do."

Helen flushed in embarrassment, but her colour did not compare to that of Regan and Joan.

"That's right, Bobby," Regan muttered finally.  "We'd been swimming and it made us both tired.  Maybe we'd both better go back to the house and have a proper rest."

He stood up quickly and helped Joan to her feet.

"I'm sorry we intruded," Helen said again.  "Maybe if you're here for a little while Joan, you could join us for dinner.  It's awfully quiet with our other three children away."

"That would be lovely," Joan replied graciously.

"Thanks for the offer Mrs Belden," Regan replied.  "Enjoy your swim."

"Bye Regan, bye lady!" Bobby called as he stripped off his t-shirt.

"Goodbye," Regan and Joan called back.  They gave Helen and Bobby a wave and headed back to the house.

"Well!" Joan laughed nervously when they were out of earshot.

"Well indeed!" Regan echoed her tone and reached for her hand.  "I'm sorry we were interrupted."

"You are?"

"Why?  Aren't you?" Regan asked in surprise.

"I am, it's just that..." Joan began and then shook her head.  "It was nice."

"That's not quite the word I would choose," Regan grinned, and he suddenly stopped and turned towards her.  "You know, we've never even been on a date.  What say tonight I take you for dinner some where and we catch a movie?"

"Really?" Joan's eyes widened.  "That would be wonderful."

"Great," Regan grinned.  "You go up and have a shower.  I've got a few things to finish up in the stables."

"You don't need a hand?"

"No, I'll be fine," Regan replied and leaned towards her, kissing her gently.

Joan closed her eyes, enjoying the moment and was disappointed when it ended a few seconds later.  She frowned slightly, but Regan didn't appear to notice as he stepped back and grinned at her.

"I'll see you shortly," he murmured then turned and headed towards the stables.

Joan watched him leave, and slowly walked back towards the garage.  Was he having second thoughts?  Maybe he doesn't want anything to happen between us?  But that kiss was so...

Joan's thoughts drifted back to the first kiss she had shared with Regan.

"Joan?"  Regan called.  "Are you in there?"

He followed the sound of muffled sobs through the darkness until he found her sitting on the straw covered floor of a moonlit stall, her knees hugged to her chest.

"Are you okay?" Regan asked shyly.  "Your father was worried about you."

"I just had to be alone," Joan sniffed.  "He won't talk to me, he doesn't understand."

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Regan murmured, crouching down in front of her.  "I was a lot younger than you when my Mom died, but it hurts no matter how old you are."

His shyness dissipated as he connected to her sense of loss and grief.  He just wanted to comfort her and see that pretty smile.

"Thank God I can talk to you," Joan sobbed, looking up at him with wide brown eyes.  "I just miss her so much."

"I know," Regan whispered, placing a hand gently on hers, desperate to soothe her sobs.  "It's okay to feel that way."

"I'm so sorry Regan," Joan apologised.  "I'm crying like a baby.  You must think I'm just an immature school girl who causes you extra work."

"Hey, don't say that," Regan told her, lifting her chin with his hand to look into her eyes.  "I think you're a very mature young woman who is mourning the loss of someone very special.  And you're not causing me extra work, I was worried about you."

"You were?" Joan asked in surprise.

"I always worry about you when you don't turn up at the stables after school," Regan teased her.  "I miss your company."

"You do?" Joan murmured, very aware of how his hand felt on his face and how close he was to her.

"I've never spent much time around girls before," Regan admitted.  "Except my sister, and you're nothing like my sister."

"I'm glad about that," Joan smiled and their eyes connected.

It was her smile that enchanted him and drew him towards her, tilting her chin up so his mouth met his.  Their lips brushed softly, then Joan tilted her head slightly and leaned into him, eager for closer contact, needing him.  Their lips parted slightly and their mouths met again in a clumsy kiss.

"Joannie?  Regan, did you find her?"  Her father's voice acted like a lever, springing them apart.

"I...  uh...  I found her Carl," Regan called back, getting to his feet.  "She's okay."

"Well, tell her to get herself out here," Carl yelled back.  "I can't see anything in this darkness."

Regan offered her his hand and helped her to her feet.

"Regan..." Joan stammered shyly.

"Your father's waiting Joan," Regan mumbled, releasing her hand and leaving her confused and bewildered by the moment they had just shared.

"I guess not a lot has changed," Joan murmured to herself.  "But I'm not a schoolgirl any more and I need to find out if this could work between us."

"I completely forgot that it would be busy with summer vacation and all," Regan apologised to Joan as they sat at the counter in Wimpy's.

"I don't mind," Joan replied with a smile.  "It makes it more like the dates we didn't have when we were teenagers."

"A booth would have been a little more private," Regan muttered, looking around the crowded diner.

"Are you trying to hide me?" Joan demanded.

"Of course not," Regan assured her.  "It's just not exactly what I had in mind."

"And what exactly did you have in mind?"

"What can I get you folks to eat?" Mike interrupted them.

"Uh... what are you going to have?" Joan turned to Regan.

"I'll have the Wimpy's supreme burger with fries and a choc malt," Regan answered.  "I'd recommend it."

"Then I'll have the same," Joan replied quickly and turned and smiled at Regan.

He looked over at her, their eyes locking and he reached for her hand.  Mike knew better than to interrupt them again and left them in peace.

"Am I doing this right?" Regan murmured, his head moving slowly towards Joan.

"Doing what right?" Joan asked, tilting her head towards his.

"The date."

"Well, you haven't kissed me yet," Joan murmured, their mouths only inches apart.

"I thought I was only supposed to do that at the end."

"Forget the rules, just kiss me."

"Regan, didn't we miss the turn off for Manor House?"

"We sure did."

"Well, then where are we going?"

"Just you wait and see." Regan grinned in reply.

He indicated and the car turned down a road, heading towards the river.  They came to the end of the road and pulled up in parking lot that overlooked the river.  There were a few other cars parked in the lot at discrete distances apart.  Their interiors were dark, but Joan could here music playing softly and the occasional giggle.

"Regan!" Joan cried.  "Have you taken me parking?!"

"That all depends," Regan drawled.

"On what?"

"On whether you want to!"

Joan giggled and she moved closer to him and leaned her head on his shoulder.  "If I close my eyes, I could almost believe that I was a teenager again and this was a real date."

Regan turned towards her and gently cupped her chin in his hand.  "Joan, you still look as beautiful as the day I met you, and I keep telling you, this is a real date."

"None of this feels real," Joan murmured.  "It was only a few weeks ago, I was sure I'd never see you again..."

"Ssshhh."  Regan raised a finger to her lips and then replaced it with his lips.

He wrapped his arms around Joan as she opened her lips to him.  All night their attraction, their passion had been bubbling under the surface, eager to erupt and both had longed for the moment they could be alone together.

Their kisses were hungry and hot, nothing like the kisses they had shared by the lake that morning.  Regan soon grew frustrated at the distance between them and finally, in one swift movement, he scooped Joan up and sat her on his lap

She gasped in surprise, but pushed herself up against him and moaned softly as Regan nuzzled her neck, sprinkling kisses down towards the opening of her blouse.  Joan's nails dug into his back as she panted heavily.  Sitting on Regan's lap, she could feel his growing arousal and her own excitement grew as Regan continued to kiss the base of her neck.

Regan's hand moved up to cup her breast and Joan clutched his red hair as his mouth nuzzled her nipple through the material.

"Oh, Regan..." she panted.

His hand moved to the buttons on her blouse as he looked up at her.  Her eyes were wide and dilated, her lips slightly parted, her face flushed and her hair disheveled.  She was so desirable and he had never wanted anything more than he wanted her at this moment, but he had to stop.

Regan removed his hand from her blouse and pushed her slightly away from him.

"I think we'd better head for home," Regan muttered, not quite making eye contact with her.

"W-why?" Joan stammered, clutching at her top.  "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Regan replied shortly, lifting her off his lap and shifting slightly to adjust himself.  "I didn't mean for things to get so carried away."

Joan nodded quickly, her bottom lip trembling.  She moved back to her side of the car and fastened her seatbelt as Regan started the car and drove off.  Awkwardness hung in the air between them, and their moment of passion was as if it had never happened.

"Regan?" Joan called softly into the tack room.

"Oh...  hi Joan," Regan mumbled, stepping out of the tack room.  His eyes did not quite meet hers.

"I...  uh... I just wanted to say thankyou for last night," Joan began, looking for some response.  "It meant a lot to me."

"No problem," Regan muttered, his face reddening.  "Forget about it."

Joan's bottom lip trembled, but she took a step closer to him.  "I don't want to forget about it Regan, and I was hoping you wouldn't either."

Regan looked at her in surprise and their eyes met for a moment.  He quickly lowered his eyes and stared at his boots.

"Joan, it shouldn't have happened.  Your father..."

"It has nothing to do with him," Joan interrupted him firmly, and took his hand.  "It felt so right Regan.  We need each other, can't you see that?"

Joan lifted his chin to look in his eyes and recognised the longing in them.  Regan hesitated only for a moment before leaning down to kiss her and she returned his kiss with fervour.  He gathered her in his arms and held her tightly as they kissed each other tentatively.

Soft, gentle kisses developed into a slow lingering kiss and both were breathless, their hearts beating wildly when they finally parted.

"Oh Joannie..." Regan murmured, gently brushing her cheek with his thumb. 

"Regan?" She almost moaned, lifting her mouth to his again and they were soon pre-occupied by another kiss.

He had never been with a girl before Joan, never touched one, never kissed one and never expected his body to react to her as it was now.  Her kisses burned through him, igniting a passion he had never experienced before.  He wanted these kisses to last forever, and he wanted much more than just kisses.

"We can't do this Joan," Regan announced abruptly, pulling away from her.  "It's not right."

"What do you mean?" Joan cried, her face flushed and her chest rising and falling rapidly.

"This can't happen," Regan muttered.  "We're too young, you're too young, your father trusts me."

"But what about me?" Joan cried.  "What about what I want?  What about us?"

"There is no us Joan," Regan replied miserably.  "There can't be."

She stared at him for a second in disbelief, then turned and ran.  His chest and throat tightened as she disappeared from sight and he wondered how the best moment of his life could so quickly turn into the worst.

They walked silently from the car up into Regan's apartment.  Regan unlocked the door and stood back to let Joan enter.

"Can I get you anything?" Regan finally asked.

Joan shook her head.  "I think I might just go to bed."

"Joan..." Regan began.

"You don't have to say anything Regan," Joan stopped him.  "I think I understand."

"I don't think you do," Regan replied quietly and their eyes met.  "I didn't want things to get too carried away.  We were in a car for God's sake!  I know we were pretending we were teenagers, but we're not.  We're adults."

"I haven't forgotten that Regan," Joan murmured in a hurt tone.  "But we're not doing anything wrong."

"I didn't say that we were."

"Then why do you act like we are every time it goes beyond a few kisses?" Joan demanded.

"Because I don't want either of us getting carried away in the moment and doing something we might regret."

Joan reacted as if she'd been slapped and her eyes shone with tears.

"I already have regrets Regan, but I didn't think I was going to regret coming here." 

With that, Joan spun around and disappeared inside her room.  Regan swallowed as he heard the door slam shut for the second time in as many days.

"You're doing a really good job of screwing this up," Regan muttered angrily to himself as he went into his own room.

He felt restless and guilty, confused and tense.  This wasn't working out the way he planned, but he began to wonder if he'd really planned for this at all.

He undressed, stripping down to his boxers and lay down on his bed.  He stared at the ceiling, finding the thought of her in the next room unbearable.

I want her - physically, emotionally, completely.  So why I can't I let that happen?

Regan knew why.  He was scared of losing her again, of letting himself fall for her completely.  She would leave in a few days time, and where would they be then?  He already knew they had different plans.  Would she be willing to give them up for him?  Would he be willing to give his up for her?

Then what would I do?

Regan was a proud man, who had to pay his way.  He couldn't afford to go traveling now, and even if Joan could afford to pay for both of him, there's no way he would accept that.  Maybe if she was prepared to wait a while, to stay in Sleepyside with him until they could both afford a holiday...

All we need to do is talk about this.  We can find a way if we both want this...  Does she want this?

That doubt stayed in his mind until he drifted off to sleep.

A belt of thunder woke Regan at 2am, and the flash of lightening illuminated his room.  He became aware of the rain crashing down outside and he leapt to his feet, quickly pulling on jeans, shoes and a shirt.

Joan heard the apartment door slam as Regan rushed out and immediately realised his concern.  She quickly dressed and hurried out of the apartment, blinking the sleep out of her eyes.

The rain was falling in heavy sheets, and Joan was soaked to the bone by the time she got to the stables.  She could hear the fear in the horses as she approached and was breathlessness from running by the time she entered the stables.

Regan was closest to Jupe's stall, trying to calm him down enough to strap him and prevent any damage to himself.  Joan could see the whites of Jupiter's eyes and the desperate determination in Regan's face.

"What can I do?"

Regan looked at her in surprise.  After a slight hesitation, he gave her terse instructions and she hurried off to follow them.  The thunder continued, the lightening following it closely.

With each crack of thunder, the horses whinnied and skittered nervously in their stalls.  Joan winced nervously each time Jupiter's hooves clashed against the stall, and her apprehensiveness grew when Regan finally managed to enter Jupe's stall.

Joan was concentrating so hard on Regan's soothing tones that she didn't realise that the thunder had stopped, until he slowly backed out of the stall having restrained Jupe for his own protection.

He wiped his brow and sighed, then turned towards Joan with a tired grin.

"Thanks for your help," he told her gratefully.  "Wow!  You're drenched!"

"So are you," Joan laughed.

Regan looked down at himself and shook his head.  "I didn't even notice."

They exchanged a glance for a moment until Regan said, "Well, it looks like the thunderstorm has passed.  The horses should be fine until morning, why don't we go and get dried off?"

Joan nodded and he took her hand and they ran outside, through the rain and up to his apartment.  They were breathless and laughing by the time they reached the door.

Joan reached up to brush a wet lock of hair from Regan's forehead.  His skin was cool and wet and his blue eyes framed by glistening eyelashes.  She let her hand slide down his face, the stubble rough against her hand.

Regan leaned down to kiss her, his strong arms enveloping her as he kicked the door open and pushed her inside.  The moment of passion they shared earlier that evening reignited and they kissed hungrily as their hands explored each other.

"I want you Joan," Regan growled as he kissed her throat.  "I never meant you to think that I didn't."

"Show me," Joan murmured, running her hands over the shirt that clung to his skin.  She quickly undid the buttons and pulled the damp material from his gleaming skin.

Regan shrugged the shirt off and leant down to scoop Joan up in his strong arms.  He captured her mouth with his and carried her through to his bedroom, laying her down on the bed.

"I want to undress you," he murmured huskily and knelt down on the bed beside her. 

He lifted her t-shirt, kissing the cool skin of her stomach as he moved it up.  He was surprised to find she had no bra under her shirt, and Joan gave a shy smile as she lifted her arms to allow him to remove her shirt.

Regan paused for a moment, allowing his eyes to caress her body.  He kissed her slowly as his hands moved to the button on her jeans.  He undid them quickly, but struggled to pull the wet denim from her body.

Joan giggled and arched her back.  Regan moved to pull the jeans from her, taking with them her panties, socks and shoes.  Joan felt shy under his gaze and reached to unbutton his jeans and pull them from him.  Regan kicked off his boots and freed his jeans and boxers from his ankles.

He grabbed a dry towel from the back of a chair and knelt back on the bed.  Starting at Joan's feet, he carefully patted each part of her legs and arms, kissing each part as he did.  By the time he got to her stomach, she was quivering at his touch.

Regan took his time, enjoying the curves and valleys of her body.  He licked the small pool of water that had settled in her navel and Joan giggled in delight, then moved up to her breasts.  He watched her face as he gently patted them, absorbing the drops of moisture with the towel and then moving the towel upwards to dry her throat and face.

He kissed her lips and face, moving his mouth down to her throat.  His hands moved down to the curves of her breasts and she trembled under his touch.  Finally, his mouth began its own exploration, kissing the soft, soft skin and smiling as the nipple puckered when his touch neared.

Joan arched upwards when his mouth closed over her nipple, and a gasp of pleasure escaped her lips.  Regan moaned in response and she became aware of his erection pressing against her leg, but she could not reach it.

She reached out to him, pulling her on to him and then rolled so they were laying side by side, Regan's mouth still at her breast.  Joan closed her eyes as he continued to tease her nipple with his tongue and his hand traveled down her body until it nestled between her legs.

With his thumb, he parted her lips and he let it settle on her sensitive nub, pleased to hear her whimper as he did.  She arched her hips towards him, and he moved his thumb slowly, letting her responses guide his movements.

Joan ran her hands wildly through his hair as the pleasure within her built.  She had not known it could feel like this, that the sensations would be so sweet and so acute.  She began panting heavily, calling Regan's name as the pleasure intensified and suddenly exploded within her.

Regan gently removed his hand and let his mouth settle on hers, quieting her cries.  She kissed him hungrily, her heart beating wildly and she felt his hardness pressing against her hip.

"That was wonderful!" She gasped.  "Oh, Regan..."

"You're wonderful Joannie," he murmured.  "You're so beautiful."

He caressed her damp hair and she smiled blissfully.  She enjoyed the sensation for a moment, then gently pushed Regan on to his back, letting her take in his body.

Joan's hands followed her eyes down his body until one hand settled on the base of his cock, and closed gently around it.  Regan moaned in response and she leaned in to kiss him as her hand moved up the length of his cock, her thumb circling the head which was wet with his own juices.

She watched it intently, the way it responded to her touch, and the testicles contracting as his arousal grew.  Regan was breathing heavily, his hands seeking her body, silently pleading for her to satisfy him.  Joan soon recognised this need and she looked to him for guidance.

Regan reached to pull her to him, and then he stopped.

"What?" Joan asked in alarm, fearful of his rejection.

"I - I haven't any..." His voice trailed off.  "I haven't any protection."

"Oh," Joan murmured, lowering her eyes.  "I am on the pill, but if you..."

"Then we should be fine," Regan said firmly, and a small smile crept over Joan's face.

Regan pulled her to him and kissed her hungrily, rolling her over so he was on top of her.  He supported his weight on his elbows and savoured the sensation of how her soft body felt against his.  It increased his need for her even more, and he sought to enter her, gently parting her legs.

Their eyes locked and they maintained the eye contact as he slowly entered her, moving in and out slowly and gently until her muscles grew accustomed to him and allowed him to enter her fully.

Joan smiled to reassure him, and he began to move slowly with her, finding a rhythm.  She lifted her hips, wrapping her slender legs around his waist and they both gasped at the deeper penetration.

Her breasts brushed against his chest with each movement and their mouths met hungrily with each downwards thrust.  He was close to climax, but he wanted this to last forever, he had waited for this for so long.

Regan stopped for a moment and kissed Joan slowly.

"I feel like I'm part of you," he murmured.  "Like I can't get any closer."

"You're inside me, I'm inside you," she responded.  "It's what I always dreamed it would be."

Regan kissed her again and, in one swift movement, rolled with her so that she was now on top of him.  Joan laughed and drew her legs up, raising herself on her knees to allow only the shallowest of penetration.

"Now you're in my power," she taunted him.

"I trust you," he grinned, and she pushed herself down onto him causing him to moan loudly.

His hands found her hips and he guided her movements until they found a rhythm and she slammed her hips down towards him, time after time until his face contorted and he almost howled as he exploded inside of her.

Joan watched his response with pleasure, and lay gently down on to him, resting her head on his chest.  She listened to his heart beat rapidly and he stroked her hair without speaking.  She sighed contentedly and felt herself grow sleepy against the warmth of his body.

"Thank you," Regan murmured finally.

"What for?" Joan asked, raising her head.

"For your patience over all these years, and the past few days," Regan continued.  "And for the wonderful, incredible lovemaking."

"It was incredible, wasn't it?" Joan smiled shyly.  "It was worth the wait."

"Oh, Joannie..." Regan pulled her to him and kissed her softly.  "I'm sorry I kept you waiting."

"It's over now," Joan told him, snuggling up to him.  "We're together now."

With that thought in their minds, they stroked each other with sleepy hands until they fell asleep, curled up in each other's arms.

Regan woke, wondering if last night was all a dream, but was relieved to find that the weight on his chest was Joan's head and her arm lay across his stomach.  A grin spread across his face as he remembered last night and he laid his head back on the pillow and sighed contentedly.

Normally, he would rise upon waking, but this morning he was happy to enjoy the sensation of waking up with a beautiful woman. 

Last night had been incredible, he reflected.  He had thought that perhaps she would be reluctant to take things further, but now realised it was him who was holding back.

I didn't want to take things further if there was no chance for us, he thought.  But we can make this work, we just need to talk things through.

I'm not alone anymore...

Regan awoke later to find the full sun shining brightly through the window.  He sat up quickly, realising it was now after eight and Jupiter was still restrained and would be in need of exercise.

He looked over to Joan, who was still curled up and sleeping, and slipped quietly out of bed.  He found himself some dry clothes and left the room to dress.

Jupe was snorting and showing the whites of his eyes when Regan arrived at the stable, and it took all of his skill to remove the restraints and calm him. 

"I'm sorry there fella," Regan murmured as stroked Jupe's neck gently.

He reached for a brush and let Jupe inspect it before he raised it to his neck and begin brushing him in long, smooth strokes.

"I had to tie you up or you were going to hurt yourself," Regan continued.  "You're too precious to me to let you risk getting hurt."

It wasn't until Regan had finished brushing and saddling Jupe and was galloping him across the field that he realised the irony of his words.

"Goddamn it!"  Regan cried into the wind, and laughed loudly.  He slowed Jupe to a smooth canter and finally to a trot and he patted the stallion's neck.  "It feels good to be free, doesn't it boy?"

"You can only hold back for so long," Regan realised aloud.  "And it feels so good to let go, doesn't it?"

Jupe pulled against the bit as if in response, and Regan gave him his head and let him break into a run again.  They cantered through the clearing, enjoying the newly washed day, Regan's laughter getting lost in the wind.

"Something smells wonderful," Regan cried as he entered the apartment.

"You're back," Joan called from the kitchenette.  "I went down to the stables to look for you, but you were gone.  I thought about saddling Starlight and looking for you, but I knew I'd probably get lost so I came back and made you breakfast instead."

"You're a wonderful woman," Regan grinned, pulling her to him and kissing her firmly.

"I take it you had a good ride then?" Joan grinned.

"Fantastic!" Regan laughed.  "I gave Jupe his head and we had a ball.  We both had lots of energy to work off this morning."

"Lucky Jupe," Joan murmured.

"I've got plenty left for you," Regan assured her.  "Have I got time for a shower?"

"Let's eat now," Joan suggested with a coy smile.  "We can shower later."

"We?"  Regan questioned her with a smile.  "I like the way you think."

"I'm sorry I've been pushing you away," Regan told Joan, as they stretched out on the deck of the boat house.  "Now that I know what I've been missing, my reasons seem even more insane."

"What reasons were they?" Joan asked, lazily trailing her fingers over his chest.

"I didn't know if we could make this work," Regan replied honestly.  "I didn't want us to get too close, I didn't want to hurt you."

"So what made you change your mind?"

"You did," Regan murmured, rolling over to face her.  "You made me realise that I was trying harder to find reasons for us to be apart than I was trying to find reasons for us to be together.  Last night, I finally realised that we could make things work together."

"Was that before or after we made love?" Joan smiled.

"Before," Regan answered earnestly.  He sat up and looked down at Joan with a serious expression.  "Tell me something, were you serious about what you told me the other night?  Would you really have run away with me if I had asked you?"

"In a second," Joan replied, her eyes meeting him.  "You were the most important thing in my life."

"And now?"

"Regan, what are you saying?" Joan frowned.

"I'm asking you to stay with me," Regan told her with a happy smile.  "I know you want to travel, and I'll go with you.  Just not now.  Move to Sleepyside and live with me.  You can find a job here, I can get the training program up and running and in a few years we'll be able to afford to travel - anywhere you want!"

Joan's eyes had widened in surprise as he blurted out his proposal and she blinked slowly.  "Regan, I...  uh, I don't know what to say."

"Say yes!" Regan cried, grabbing her hand.  "I didn't ask you last time because I didn't want you to get hurt, but now I'm asking you.  Please Joan, I want us to be together."

Joan's eyes filled with tears.  "You've just decided this?"

"I've been thinking about it since last night," Regan replied excitedly.  "Don't you see, we can both get what we want?"

"B-but it's not what I want!" Joan cried, almost bursting into tears.

Regan's happy expression turned to one of dismay and horror.  "What do you mean?"

"It's what you want," Joan blurted.  "You never asked me.  No one ever asked me."

"But don't you want us to be together?" Regan demanded in a stunned tone.

"I do, but not like that," Joan replied quietly.  "I don't want to move to Sleepyside and wait until you decide it's time for us to go traveling.  I don't just want to go for a few weeks, I want to travel and work abroad.  I want to experience another way of life, another culture, not just another small town."

"But what about us?" Regan mumbled.

"I don't know," Joan wailed.  "I thought we could talk about it, work out some sort of compromise.  I want to be with you Regan, but I need to have a life."

"I-I can't leave here," Regan faltered.  "I almost didn't leave to try and clear my name, I was too scared of giving up a good thing."

"But you did," Joan argued, "and look at how that worked out for you."

"It wouldn't have if it wasn't for Trixie and Honey," Regan reminded her.  "Maybe if they were here now, they could figure out a way we could be together."

"Why can't you come with me?" Joan asked earnestly.  "You've been a loyal employee to Matt Wheeler, I'm sure he'd give you an extended leave of absence.  Maybe he could even find you a job in Europe with some of his contacts and we could start from there."

"But I'd be giving up everything I worked so hard for," Regan protested.  "Do you know how hard it was for me as a scared, runaway teenager trying to find a job, trying to find someone willing to give me a go?"

"Would you rather give up on me, and us?" Joan murmured.

Regan stared at her for a moment then looked away.  "I don't know Joan.  I can't make a decision just like that.  Isn't there another way?"

"You tell me," Joan choked, and quickly wiped away the tears that spilled on to her cheeks.

"I need some time to think," Regan muttered and got to his feet abruptly.  "I'm sorry."

He didn't see the hurt in Joan's eyes as she watched him walk away.  She didn't see him cringe in pain at the sound of her sobs.

"What do you mean he's disappeared?"  Carl roared into the telephone.  "He's got bright red hair!  How could they not find him?"

Joan trembled at the sound of her father's voice.

"Don't give me that," Carl spat.  "When I get my hands on that red-headed son-of-a-bitch, I'm going to kill him.  He's destroyed me!"

Joan quietly slipped away, seeking solitude in the empty stable where she and Regan had shared their first kiss.  She was still shaking as she collapsed on the floor and drew her knees to her chest.

"H-he's g-gone," she sobbed.  "H-how could he just leave without saying goodbye?"

She buried her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably.  After her mother died, Regan had become the most important thing in her life.  He was the only one she could talk to and sometimes the only reason she made it through the day.  Now he was gone!

"I know you didn't do it Regan!" Joan cried.  "Why did you have to run away?  Dad would have calmed down after a while and we could have found a way to clear your name.  Oh, why did you have to go?  What am I going to do without you?"

The tears continued to flow down Joan's face as she remembered the kisses they had shared and the way it felt to be pressed against him, warm and safe in his arms.  Even after he had told her that it couldn't work between them, she had sensed his eyes on her and his need for her.

"Why?  Why?" Joan murmured to herself.  "Why couldn't you have taken me with you?  I love you Regan..."

Regan wasn't sure how he ended up on the path that lead to Crabapple Farm, but he found himself standing on the edge of the garden, the same way he did a few years ago when he was trying to decide what to do about Dan.

But he was relieved to find himself here, knowing that Helen Belden could give him the perspective he needed and only felt slightly nervous when he knocked on the back door.

"Come in," Helen called.

Regan opened the back door and found Helen in the kitchen.  "Hello, Mrs Belden."

"Why, Regan, hello."  Her surprise was evident in her tone.  "I was just about to make myself some lunch.  Can I get you anything?"

"No thank you Ma'am," Regan replied politely.  "I didn't mean to interrupt."

"Of course you're not," Helen laughed.  "Bobby is over at the Lynches.  I thought I'd enjoy the peace and quiet, but it seems weird after a while."

"I can understand that in your household," Regan smiled and he sat down in the chair Helen indicated.

"Did the horses cope alright with the thunderstorms last night?" Helen asked, realising that he was reluctant to reveal the reason for his visit.

"They were a little skittish and we were up at two in the morning trying to calm them down," Regan answered.  "Jupe had to be restrained, but I took him for a run this morning to burn off all his excess energy."

"It sounds like you had someone to help you," Helen remarked.  "Is your friend Joan handy with horses?"

"Her father's a horse trainer," Regan replied simply and Helen nodded.

"She seems lovely Regan," Helen continued.  "Is she still here?  We'd love to have you both for dinner one night."

"I'm not sure how much longer she'll be staying," Regan answered in a low tone.

"Oh..."  Helen glanced at Regan and could see the confusion in his face.  "Have you asked her to stay?"

Regan nodded.

"And what did she say?"

"She said she couldn't, and she asked me to go with her."

Helen remained silent, waiting for him to continue.

"I don't think I can.  I - I have very strong feelings for her, but I don't think I can give up everything I have here and go with her."

"It's a hard decision," Helen acknowledged.  "Have you considered what will happen if she leaves without you?"

"I don't want to think about it," Regan admitted.  "All I can think about is that if I go with her, I'll be leaving behind everything that I know."

"But you'll be with Joan," Helen reminded him.  "You need to weigh up what is most important to you, only you can make that decision."

"This is the only place where I've ever felt that I belonged," Regan spoke to his hands.  "I have friends here, a job, a lifestyle I love, I have family here.  I can't imagine my life without those things now."

"Do you need to make a decision now?" Helen asked.  "You've just found each other again.  Why don't you take your time and get to know each other again and make an informed decision?

"I think you're right Ma'am," Regan murmured, a hint of hope returning to his voice.  "Maybe we've just been rushing into things."

"It's understandable," Helen smiled.  "You've got so much to catch up on, it's natural that everything happens so quickly."

"Thank you for advice Mrs Belden," Regan replied gratefully.  "I really appreciate being able to talk to you about this."

"You're welcome Regan," Helen assured him.  "I just hope you and Joan can reach a decision that is right for both of you."

"Me too," Regan sighed.  "I'll let you get back to your lunch Ma'am.  Thank you again."

"Good luck Regan."

Helen frowned slightly as she returned to the kitchen.  She knew the potential effect Regan's departure could have on her children.  His sudden disappearance recently was proof enough of that, but none of them would want to stand in the way of his happiness.

"But what about Dan?" Helen asked aloud.  "Would he be able to cope with losing his uncle and his only family?"

Regan could see Joan as he approached the stables.  As he got closer, he could see her leaning against Susie's stall, talking softly to her as she fed her sugar cubes.  He hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should interrupt her but then she turned and smiled at him.

"You're spoiling her," he told her.  "It's bad enough that Trixie has her eating out of the palm of her hand.  I think she has a thing for women."

"And that's a bad thing?" Joan murmured with a raised eyebrow.

"Not at all," Regan grinned.  "She's got good taste."

They stared at Susie for a moment without speaking.

"Joan-"

"Regan-"

They both laughed nervously, and Regan reached for Joan's hand.  "I just want to apologise for..."

"Ssshhh..." Joan told him, and raised a finger to his lips.  "Let's not talk about it now."

Regan frowned a little, but she replaced a finger with her lips and pressed herself against him.  He wrapped his arms around her and allowed himself to relax against her, his tension momentarily slipping away.

Joan pushed him towards the empty stable as they kissed, closing the gate behind them.  She guided his hands down to the tie of her sarong and rubbed herself against him.

"Joan..." Regan moaned in protest.

"I want you," she insisted, grasping his butt and pushing into him.  "I've always wanted this, from the first moment I saw you in the stables.   Make love to me Regan."

His eyes widened in surprise but her words fuelled his hunger.  He fumbled with the tie of her sarong and pulled it free to reveal only her bikini.  His hands ran over her body as they kissed wildly.

Joan pulled his shirt over his head and ran her hands down his body until she reached his erection.  He groaned as his hands moved up her waist to cover her breasts.  She gasped as his thumbs flicked over her nipples and she arched her back.

Quickly, he untied her bikini top and threw the material away.  His mouth found her breasts and she whimpered in delight.  She slipped her hand into his shorts and stroked him as suckled on her, working their passions up to a point where both desperately needed to be fulfilled.

They pulled frantically at what was left of their clothes and Regan's strong arms lifted Joan up so he could enter her, pinning her against the wall of the stall.  His thrusts were quick and shallow, and he grunted as his body slammed into her.  Joan captured his mouth with hers, kissing him deeply and feeding on his passion.

In the stall next door, Susie snorted softly at the thudding against the wall but Regan and Joan could not hear her.  Joan cried out his name as the orgasm tore through her and Regan howled as he exploded inside her.  They clung to each other, panting.  Joan's legs were still wrapped around him and Regan raised his head to meet hers and they kissed breathlessly again.

"Lie down with me," Joan murmured. 

Regan was too tired to argue and gently laid her down on her sarong.  He lay down next to her, closing his eyes and enjoying the blissful numbness. 

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that," Joan sighed.

"With me?"

"Of course with you!" Joan giggled then sobered.  "I'm sorry about before Regan.  I wasn't very fair to you."

"No, I'm sorry," Regan said earnestly, turning to face her.  "I made assumptions, I thought you were telling me to ask you to stay.  I want to be with you so much that I just jumped in without thinking.  You're right, we should have talked about it."

"What are we going to do Regan?" Joan asked sadly.  "How are we going to make this work?"

"Can't we just take our time?" Regan asked.  "We've only just found each other again.  Do we have to make these decisions right now?  Can't we get to know each other for a while before we decide anything?  After all, you've still got a while until you finish your course."

"I guess so," Joan murmured.

"Joanie, what do you want?" Regan asked softly.  "Why don't you tell me?"

"Right now, I only want you," Joan admitted, looking into his eyes.  "But..."

"I know Joanie," Regan murmured, hugging her tightly.  "I know."

Regan climbed  into the back of the pickup, and the car pulled back on to the road.  He had no idea where he was going and it didn't really matter, as long as it was away from here.

He felt so numb, stunned by the turn of events and the thought that Stinson and Worthington had pointed the finger at him.

How could they do that? Regan thought desperately.  Carl knows I love that horse and would never do anything to hurt it, not for all the money in the world.  I thought they trusted me...

I've got nothing left.  No job, no food, no place to stay and no friends.  And... no Joan.

Regan rested his head in his hands, trying to swallow the hurt and sadness welling up in him.  Would she blame him too?  Would she hate him for running away and not ever saying goodbye?

"I'm so sorry Joanie," he whispered.  "I wish I could have explained or left a note or something...  I guess it's just as well that we never let things go any further."

That was little consolation though as he sat with his knees pulled to his chest in the back of a pick-up heading out of Saratoga.  He had lost everything again and the police were probably looking for him and he knew he was never going to see her again.

It was that thought that finally made him crack, and the tears fell and his sobs were swallowed by the wind rushing past his face so no one could hear and no one could tell that he was scared, lonely and his heart was breaking.

That night, she lay awake watching him sleep soundly next to her.  She was too scared to sleep, and too scared to move.  All she could do was watch him.

Joan knew if she slept, if she allowed herself to curl up in his arms, she would never be able to leave him.  She had wanted him for so long and now she was with him, but could they ever really be together?  What would happen when the shininess wore off?

We hardly know each other, Joan thought.  But I feel like I've known him forever.  Could I stay here?  Would I be happy just to be with him?

She thought of the way he made her feel when they were together and the exquisite happiness she felt when she was in his arms.   Was that enough?  Will it always be enough?

Joan tried hard to believe it would be, but couldn't shrug the nagging doubt that she would only be shifting circumstances, not starting a new life for herself and finding the independence she craved.  Regan wanted a partner, a wife, a mother to his children and someone he could rely on to always be there for him.  Joan wasn't sure she could promise to always be there for him.

It took every ounce of willpower for her to slide out of bed and slip out of the room.  She dressed quickly and packed her things quietly.  When she was done, she sat quietly on the bed with a notepad and pen.

"What am I doing?" She murmured.  "Can I really leave?  Can I walk away from this dream to try and fulfill another?"

Joan stared at the notepad and resisted the temptation to throw it down and slip back into bed with Regan.  She closed her eyes tightly, thought for a moment then wrote quickly.

Five minutes later, Joan dropped the letter on the table and made a call to order a taxi.  She stopped by Regan's doorway to take one last look, and her eyes filled instantly with tears.

"Forgive me," she whispered.  "I do love you, it's just the way it has to be."

She slipped quietly out of the house and walked down the long driveway to meet the taxi on Glen Road.  The tears were still streaming when the taxi came and she climbed in quickly, staring out the back window as the Manor House disappeared from view.

Regan woke at dawn as normal.  He was not used to having anyone sleeping beside him, but he noticed her absence immediately.

"Joan?"

He swung his legs over the bed and reached for his pants.  Wiping sleep out of his eyes, he wandered out of his room and called for her again.

"Joan?  Where are you?"

It took a moment for him to see the note on the table, a moment for his heart to freeze.  He grabbed it and raced into her bedroom.  Her case, all her clothes, everything was gone.

He sank down on to the bed, her note still in his hand.  How could she be gone?

With fumbling fingers, he unfolded the note.

Regan,

I know I'm leaving without saying goodbye, but I wouldn't have been able to say it in person.  If I'd woken up with you this morning, I wouldn't have been able to leave.

When you ran away, you were running from something.  I'm not running from anything, I'm running towards my dream and you've given me the strength to do that.

You'll always be part of me Regan.  Maybe one day our paths will cross again and we'll want the same things.

I love you Regan.  Please understand that I'm doing this for both of us.

Joan.

He read the lines over and over again, trying to make sense of them.  Finally, he stormed into the next room and picked up the phone.

"Carl?" He barked.  "Where is she?"

"Regan, is that you?  What the hell happened to her?  She called me to tell me she wasn't coming home.  What did you do to her you son-of-a..."

"Where the hell is she?" Regan demanded.

"I don't know, god damn it!  If I find out you hurt her in any way..."

Regan slammed down the phone.  He marched back into his bedroom, dressed and headed down to the stables.

Within minutes, he had Jupe saddled and they were galloping across the fields where only Jupe could hear the cries of grief that disappeared into the wind.

Regan was hosing out the stables when the car pulled into the driveway, parking in front of the garage.

Tom got out quickly to open the door and Mr and Mrs Wheeler stepped out, followed by Miss Trask, Jim and Honey.

"Howdy folks," he called.  "How was Idaho?"

"More eventful than you would imagine," Miss Trask replied wryly.

"Why am I not surprised by that?" Regan asked with a grin.

"How are things here?" Jim asked.  "Anything happen?"

"Not much at all," Regan remarked.  "The horses are restless and need riding though."

"We'll take them out before dinner," Honey promised.  "Trixie, Brian and Mart will be up too."

"Make sure you leave enough time to clean the tack," Regan reminded her.  "Your holiday's over now."

Honey and Jim exchanged a grin as they disappeared into the house with their bags.  Regan turned back towards the stables but was stopped by Miss Trask.

"Regan?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I had Tom stop at the mailbox to pick up the mail," she continued.  "There's a postcard here for you."

Regan accepted the card from her outstretched hand.  "Thank you, ma'am."

Miss Trask paused for a moment, then turned and headed towards the house.  Regan glanced quickly at the card then thrust it into his shirt pocket.

The top of the Eiffel Tower poked out of his pocket as he walked back into the stables, his face expressionless.

The End